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Cannabis Campaigners' Guide News Database result:
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UK: Drugs: Is it best to be honest?
Roma Felstein The Times
Monday 02 Aug 2004 LAST WEEK my 13-year-old, who had just been watching an American cop show, asked me why cocaine was so bad for you. I thought carefully before replying. "Because," I said, "cocaine can make you feel really good, so much so that you want to do it again and again and it can become an expensive, destructive experience. The highs get harder and harder to achieve and the lows are awful, and the more you take, the more likely you are to have serious health problems." I could have given him a knee-jerk parental response of shock, horror and scare tactics; but if he tried the drug he would know that I wasn't telling the whole truth, and the next time he wanted advice he wouldn't trust me. I don't believe that "just say no to drugs" is enough for children; they need information as well as guidance so that they can make an informed, internalised decision. One of my son's friends arrived just after our talk: a 13-year-old girl. She said she could never talk to her parents about drugs because they had already told her that they would kill her if they found she was taking anything. This parental response to drugs is probably the more common; certainly that was the message of many of the children who contributed to a new audio website called projectv.fm, which was launched last week. The aim of the site - and the project behind it - is to give children the opportunity to talk about issues that affect them. Eight schools across the country took part. Not surprisingly, two schools - one in Bristol and one in Merseyside - chose drugs as their issue. Listening to the children talking is a sobering experience. The children wanted information and help. People on the street - pushers, or friends or acquaintances who had done drugs - were all too ready to provide information. But the children felt that adults didn't trust them enough to provide honest, intelligent information, and sometimes that if they even asked their parents about drugs, it would be assumed that they were taking them. "My parents would feel that if they tell us anything good about drugs we'll turn into crack-heads and stoners," said one child. "I have asked them but they really don't want to know, so I am left with no idea about drugs or what they do," said a 13-year-old schoolboy from Bristol who had not taken drugs but was adamant that his parents were the last people he'd go to for advice. "All they say is that they are extremely bad and never to go near them," he added. "But I think there must be two sides to them - otherwise people wouldn't use them if they were all terrible." Steve Hilton, who organised a survey on drugs and young people, echoes the sentiments of the Bristol schoolboy. "If you tell the kids only bad things about drugs and drinking, then they won't believe you. Many parents are either ignorant about drugs or prefer to ignore the issue entirely." But the issue cannot be ignored: children of 13 are highly aware of drugs. A survey in 2002 of secondary-school children carried out by Drugscope showed that 20 per cent of secondary school children had smoked cannabis; the figure was 1 per cent at 11 but by 15 it had increased to 31 per cent. Figures for children taking the harder, Class A drugs were 1 per cent of 11-year-olds and 8 per cent of 15-year-olds. Glue-sniffing was more common among younger pupils: 5 per cent of 11 and 12-year-olds had done it. According to Release, the drugs information and helpline service, how much you talk with your child and how honest you are depends on your relationship with them. If you are a parent who doesn't drink, doesn't use drugs and has never spoken openly with your child on these topics, then to start talking with them suddenly will probably alarm them. However, if a child comes to you and obviously wants to talk about drugs, dismissing them or giving them misinformation will probably do just as much harm. This lack of knowledge by parents is an interesting problem. How can you "be honest" if you haven't experienced drugs? The answer, of course, is to do your own homework - get hold of the facts, both positive and negative. My parents hadn't a clue, apart from telling me never to smoke reefers, which they explained were thin, rolled-up cigarettes without filters. Their warnings, however well intentioned, were ineffectual. I know some of what is out there and I find the idea that my sons might use drugs quite frightening. A colleague of mine is ignorant about drugs and assures me that she has no need to talk about them to her two teenage sons because she knows that they would never try anything. Yet I know that both of them have taken cannabis and cocaine regularly. So who is better off? My friend in blissful ignorance, or me with my knowledge and anxiety? Difficult as it might be, I believe that providing honest, considered information - along with a strong sense of what I believe they should and should not do, and why - is the right approach to prevent them from getting hooked. But am I totally honest with my children? The truth is that I am selectively honest. I have three reasons for this. First, I believe that children don't need to know everything at one time; they need different information at different stages of their lives. Absolute honesty might be appropriate for a late adolescent but a disturbing contradiction and ambiguity for a younger child. My eldest child is 17, a musician in a rock band. I realise that for him, smoking a joint is almost a rite of passage. And as much as it concerns me, I also had to confront my own reality: not all drug experiences are necessarily evil. If I am honest, I had some good times. For me, it is essential to recognise the context in which the drug is consumed. If, for example, it is a joint at a party with kids over 16, there is probably little harm in it. It is recreational and has the same purpose - social lubrication and overcoming shyness - as does a pint of lager. It is also less likely than alcohol to cause aggressive behaviour. But if the drug is used to escape from something, then it is not acceptable and it signals that there is a problem. I have also explained to my two older children that we have manic depression in our family and that drugs can trigger this. This is important because it allows them to see that actions have consequences. But to tell my 11-year-old all this would be frightening and confusing. Secondly, the relationship I have with each child affects how I have and will discuss the issues. During my 17-year-old's early adolescence, his rebellion and unconditional rejection of anything his parents thought, did or said would have made the conversation useless and potentially dangerous. At the time, finding a common ground - a base level of civility and mutual respect - was our only goal as parents. Introducing a discussion about drugs would have been waving a red rag to a bull, and could possibly have put ideas in his head. Given the relationships I have with my other boys, I suspect that the timing will be different. Thirdly, and perhaps most difficult for me to consider, is how the personality of each child as they mature will affect what I tell them, when, and the level of honesty I employ. I was never in any danger of messing up on drugs because I was, and still am, a control freak. My family call me Monica - that's the Monica from the sitcom Friends - and not because I am young, slim and beautiful but because I have to be in control of everything and everybody. Even now, when my drug is a glass of whisky, if I start looking forward to the drink at the end of the day, I stop drinking for a couple of weeks. But will my children have the same willpower as I have? Their father is addicted to nicotine; does this mean that they will inherit some tendency towards addiction? The most challenging part of talking about drugs with my children will be to understand what kind of personalities they have and are developing, and how they will deal with the social pressures surrounding drugs. What lifestyle choices will they make and how much self-confidence will they have? I hope that I manage to judge it right, and give each the right information at the right time.
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